Wednesday, April 19, 2006
much overlooked
there were so many little details i failed to take into consideration. sad things, when i disregard them, they cause big discomfort i later grow to regret. on the spur of the moment, i blurt offensive comments i don't mean to after much irritation.
i thought, yea sure i did not think about your feelings while i said those things, but after that i did. and then i thought again, why should i if you don't even try to understand what i'm going through. i told you, don't pretend you don't know.
i'm trying hard. the day i stop peeking at your nick, i know i've succeeded. i've done it before, i can do it again. maybe you are waiting to be spoon-fed again. you know i treasure this relationship and is damn sure that i will go to you, only a matter of time. but you've come and go, much faster than i can keep up, i'm sorry. it's turned sorta pointless right now. since you have seen through so many advantages in leaving, i shall not be selfish and go confuse your plans anymore. and i know your reasons are always my mistake, it's my fault every time i understand. i have no say in anything either. i don't even deserve you, why make it sound so great? not because it's not worth anything, all because everything's too important to me. do you want someone because she always admits defeat which boosts your pride, or prefer someone you'd put down everything for and chase after because you know you really love her? over time, i have grown to accept that i belong to the earlier category because it's disgustingly hard for me to let everything go the manner you want it. but still, a bigger part of me still bears the wishful thinking of being the girl in the later story, despite the fact that there's really nothing lovable about me.
right, sometimes i get totally kiddy and start picturing life after marriage between us. since we cannot stay apart for long enough before we start finding fault or coldwarring, why not just live a life together? so coldwar would be almost impossible yea? and the days i stayed over were sweet, weren't they? i could wake up every afternoon because of your disturbing. yea so while you go to work i'll wait at home with a toddler and groceries. once you reach home you'll watch me cook while you give those nasty comments i laugh to. fridge will be packed with ben&jerry's and royce for the sweet-toothed. we'll feast on them while watching threshold of an era. i'll annoy you with my questions about your games. if you show irritation i'll flare up and curl up in bed till you come over to coax me. but afterall maybe not cos we might both mature with the aid of a family. and so loving and loving and loving! aw such a fantasy!
snap back to reality, how much do you even love me? why would you want to tie your fantastic singlehood down with someone like me? how can i be so selfcentered as to think of such plans to fulfil my wish of not being hurt any more? and how sure can i be that things will not be worse when you dread going home at the thought of the sight of me? in the first place, were you even truly happy during the days i kissed you goodnight? did you feel the love when i held you whenever i moved past? are you shuddering just by imagining it?
time after time, i have been waiting for you to speak up. what have you been uncomfortable with, be a man, don't behave lika wuss who goes into hiding. does your aversion helps in my improvement? if you don't have high expectations of me, don't leave for nothing. i am so bad i don't know where i went wrong. i need someone to point it out to me too. yes i mean i am that insensitive. that was how i developed the idea that no love ever came from you. if it did, why wouldn't you help? why just let me continue being so horrible and worse? why can't we talk about it? your isolation helps yea? in the end the results' all the same! we could pretend nothing happened after the cold war, but behind it they are building up! after each time! if you don't ask me, if you don't tell me, who else would be able to give you answers or show you results? those friends of yours? do they know me even more than you? so much for going to them and listening to senseless advice. if they know me so well, they know us so well, date them! tell me what better advice had they given apart from "aiya, forget it la, she's retarded!" or "have a heart to heart talk with her." GOODNESS! WHAT A TRITE!
my apologies, i had probably engaged in much introspection.
is it too late?
- 12:13:00 AM
____________________________________________________________________
valued creeps
BUBU
bestie
since 1998
great laugher, horrible classmate,
female duet, weeding partner
________________________________________________________
JAMIE
honeh
since 2000
always on my side, club partner,
digresser, great companion
________________________________________________________
WEESIN
sister
since 1999
duet partner, confidant,
sibei onz, trustworthy
________________________________________________________
CLARA
meanie
since 2005
scream-2-gather
________________________________________________________
JEWEL
meanie
since 2005
similarities, like-minded
________________________________________________________
ALEXANDER
boyfriend
since 2000
ah blah blah blah
________________________________________________________
INCOMPLETE
BUY ME SOME
a best friend
samsung z500
peak&pine lovely bikini on pastel pink & frills
levi's pattyann
black framed glasses
all the fucking royce choc
30" or so baby piglet
poh heng - "my name" piglet bracelet
pink chiffon tube dress with center frills
gojane tube
abercrombie bianca
sandisk transflash memory card
24" christmas collection piglet
international driving licence
levi's type1 shorts
burberry timepiece
dior shades
yamaha's silent cello
a customized jigsaw puzzle of our picture
gold baby piglet
"The Lion Roars" Dvd/Vcd
pohheng's piglet in love hoop
pendant
nikon coolpix s5
adidas m.e.
our starcruise
adobe photoshop cs2
that danielyam dress
dinner at prima tower
'heart-to-get' guess watch
need for speed: most wanted
yorkshire terrier
coach hamptons signature perforated large carryall
osim upapa LOL but I'M DEAD SERIOUS
levis ladies style black/pink frame specs
coach business - lanyard
burberry nova check satchel
motorazr maxx v6
movies
wet dreams 2
fantastic 4
red candy
the maid
charlie and the chocolate factory
wedding crashers
the island
sin city
the truth about love
bewitched
land of the dead
one more chance
red eye
herbie fully loaded
the brothers grimm
the dukes of hazzard
night watch
a sound of thunder
the longest yard
the cave
the red shoes
the skeleton key
corpse bride
deuce bigalow - european gigolo
devils rejects
40-year-old virgin
cello
wig
transporter2
M.A.I.D
chicken little
aeonflux
oliver twist
the exorcism of emily rose
zathura
sky high
tom-yum-goong
king kong
prime
the descent
the promise
a chinese tall story
wallace & gromit - the curse of the were-rabbit
the family stone
in her shoes
memoirs of a geisha
elizabethtown
the dark
the fog
fun with dick and jane
cheaper by the dozen 2
rumor has it
zoolander
the pink panther
munich
underworld evolution
dorm
transamerica
date movie
v for vendetta
nanny mcphee
hills have eyes
failure to launch
yours mine & ours
ultraviolet
ice age 2
the wild
firewall
art of seduction
reincarnation
tristan&isolde
inside man
when a stranger calls
poseidon
the da vinci code
x-men: the last stand
over the hedge
cars
slither
benchwarmers
she's the man
superman returns
just my luck
scary movie 4
RV
the nun
garfield 2
nacho libre
hoodwinked
the lake house
lady in the water
click
my super ex-girlfriend
the ant bully
adam apples
the break-up
barnyard
monster house
the devil wears prada
lovewrecked
little man
pulse
stay alive
you, me and dupree
john tucker must die
friends with money
gigolo wannabe
rob-b-hood
talladega nights
death note
world trade center
the convenant
flushed away
material girls
step up
happy feet
tenacious d
open season
night at the museum
death note 2 the last name
borat
just follow law
norbit
i'm a cyborg but that's ok
300
stomp the yard
mr bean's holiday
because i said so
the hills have eyes 2
200 pounds beauty
meet the robinsons
shrek3
spider lilies
surf's up
evan almighty
ratatouille
hairspray
and becos of honey...
chronicles of narnia
mission: impossible III
the fast and the furious: tokyo drift
pirates of the caribbean: dead man's chest
snakes on a plane
miami vice
casino royale 007
eragon
ghost rider
tmnt
spiderman3
pirates of the caribbean: at world's end
harry potter and the order of the phoenix
tranformers
the bourne ultimatum
rush hour 3
